For a long time, I thought being hard on myself was part of what made me successful. If I skipped a workout, I needed to get “back on track”. If I ate more than I intended, I needed to be more disciplined the next day. And if I wasn't seeing the results I wanted, I assumed I simply wasn't trying hard enough.
There was a lot of "should" in my internal dialogue.
Over the years, I've learned that there is a big difference between being honest with yourself about your choices and beating yourself up over them. I can acknowledge that I made a choice that didn't move me toward my goal without deciding that the choice means something is wrong with me.
That is something I've thought about throughout my own health journey, and it was reinforced in a big way while completing my Health Mindset Coaching Certification. As I mentioned in my first post in this series, the certification didn't suddenly teach me how to coach. I've been doing that for more than a decade. Instead, it gave me more research and language around many of the concepts I've been using with clients for years, while also giving me some new ways to think about behavior change.
One of those concepts is the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset, and I think it has a lot of relevance to anyone trying to make changes to their health.
What Is a Fixed vs a Growth Mindset?
A fixed mindset assumes that our abilities or characteristics are relatively fixed. You either have self control or you don't. You're good at exercise or you're not. You're someone who can stick with healthy habits, or you're someone who always gives up.
A growth mindset looks at those same situations differently. Instead of seeing a setback as evidence that you aren't capable, you see it as information. You can ask what happened, what you can learn from it, and what you might do differently the next time.
I think this is especially important when it comes to health because we tend to turn individual behaviors into statements about our identity. We don't just say, "I ate more than I intended." We say, "I have no self control." We don't just say, "I haven't been consistent with exercise lately." We say, "I'm terrible at sticking with things."
The first statement describes something that happened. The second turns it into a belief about who you are.
And once you start believing something about yourself, you're much more likely to look for evidence that proves you right.
The Story You Tell Yourself Matters
Think about what happens after you eat something you didn't plan to eat. The food itself is one event, but what happens next can depend heavily on the thought you attach to it.
Maybe the thought is, "I can't believe I ate that. I have no self control." That thought might lead to guilt or frustration. Those feelings can then influence what you do next. You might decide to restrict your food the following day, skip a planned workout because you feel like you've already blown it, or continue eating because you've decided the day is already ruined.
This is sometimes referred to as the "what the hell effect." You eat something you consider a temptation, decide you've already messed up, and then continue the behavior because, in your mind, the damage has already been done.
The important part is that the food didn't automatically create the behavior that followed. There was a thought in between.
Event → Thought → Emotion → Behavior
This is one of those concepts that sounds simple, but I think it can be incredibly useful when you actually start paying attention to it.
I've experienced this myself, and I've seen it countless times with clients. The goal shouldn’t be to never have an unplanned meal or make a choice you wish you'd made differently. That's not realistic. The goal should be to notice what you're telling yourself afterward, because that thought can either help you move forward or pull you further away from your goals.
I've Learned to Get Curious Instead of Critical
One of the biggest changes I've made over the years is learning to get curious about my own behavior.
Instead of immediately thinking, "Why did I do that? I know better," I can ask, "What was going on that made that choice appealing?"
Maybe I was hungry. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was stressed. Maybe I hadn't planned ahead. Maybe I simply wanted the food.
None of those answers mean I failed. They give me information that I can use.
This is also something I encourage my clients to do. Rather than immediately jumping to, "Here's what you need to fix," I want to understand what happened first. What was going on before the behavior? What were you feeling? What were you thinking? What was happening in your environment?
Because if we don't understand why something happened, we're likely to keep trying the same solution and wondering why it isn't working.
Curiosity doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. It means replacing judgment with information, and information gives you something you can actually work with.
"I'm Not Good at This...Yet."
Another concept that stood out to me in the certification was the power of adding the word yet.
Think about the difference between saying, "I'm not consistent" and "I'm not consistent yet." Or "I don't know how to strength train" versus "I don't know how to strength train yet."
That one little word changes the statement from an identity into a skill you're still developing.
And I think this matters because we aren't necessarily growth-minded in every area of our lives. You might be incredibly confident at work but believe you're terrible at exercise. You might be great at managing your finances but feel like you'll never be able to change your eating habits.
I've certainly had areas of my own life where I've had to remind myself that not being good at something right now doesn't mean I'll never be good at it.
When you view a behavior as a skill rather than a personality trait, it becomes something you can practice.
You don't have to decide that you're "just not a healthy person." You can recognize that you're still learning how to build healthy habits that fit your life.
But Growth Mindset Doesn't Mean "Just Think Positive"
I think this is an important distinction because a growth mindset can sometimes get reduced to simply thinking positively. And that's not what I'm talking about. Being positive definitely has it’s benefits but that’s not what a growth mindset is really about.
A growth mindset isn't pretending everything is fine when it isn't. It's not telling yourself that you should be happy about a setback, and it isn't using positive thinking to avoid taking responsibility for your choices.
It's being able to look at what happened objectively without immediately turning it into a judgment about yourself.
Instead of saying, "I missed two workouts. I'm so inconsistent," you might say, "I missed two workouts. What got in the way, and is there something I can change for next week to prevent missing?”
Instead of, "I completely blew my eating plan," you might say, "That meal didn't go the way I wanted. What was happening before I sat down to eat?"
You're still acknowledging what happened. You're just approaching it from a place of curiosity instead of criticism.
And that gives you a much better opportunity to learn from it and implement changes to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Give Yourself the Same Grace You Give Other People
This is where self compassion comes in, and honestly, I think this is an area where many of us could use a little more practice.
We're often much kinder to other people than we are to ourselves.
If a friend told you she missed two workouts because she was overwhelmed with work, would you tell her she was lazy and clearly didn't want her goals badly enough? Probably not. You'd probably tell her that life happens and help her figure out what might make getting back to her routine easier.
So why do we think we need to speak to ourselves differently?
Self compassion doesn't mean lowering your standards or deciding that your goals don't matter. It means recognizing that being human is part of the process. You're going to have days when you make choices you're proud of and days when you don't.
The certification reinforced for me that self compassion can actually be a useful tool for behavior change. When we aren't spending all of our energy feeling ashamed or beating ourselves up, we have more capacity to look honestly at what happened and decide what we want to do next.
For me, that's a much more productive approach than spending energy punishing myself for something I can't change.
Try This This Week
I want you to pay attention to the way you talk to yourself after something doesn't go as planned.
Maybe you miss a workout. Maybe you eat more than you intended. Maybe you go through a week where your routines aren't what you wanted them to be.
Instead of automatically saying, "I'm so bad at this," "I have no self-control," "I always do this," or "I've ruined everything," pause and ask yourself:
Is this a fact, or is this the story I'm telling myself about what happened?
Then try adding the word yet, or ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?"
You don't have to turn a negative thought into an incredibly positive one. Sometimes the most helpful reframe is simply a more neutral and accurate statement.
"I didn't stick to my plan today" is very different from "I can't stick to anything."
One describes what happened and the other is a limiting belief.
Final Thoughts
One of the biggest mindset shifts I've experienced over the years is realizing that I don't have to choose between accountability and self compassion. I can acknowledge that I made a choice I wouldn't make again without deciding that I'm a failure. I can want to improve without believing there's something wrong with me. And I can have a goal without making my worth dependent on whether I reach it.
That's something I want for my clients, too.
Your health journey isn't a test of whether you're disciplined enough, motivated enough, or perfect enough. You're going to have days when things go exactly as planned and days when they don't. That's part of being human.
The goal isn't to never have setbacks. It's to learn how to respond to them in a way that keeps you moving forward.
And sometimes, that starts with changing the way you talk to yourself. It takes time, but you can get there. YOU GOT THIS.
