One of the things I talk about with clients all the time is the idea that you can't change a behavior you aren't aware of. That sounds obvious, but I think it's much harder to put into practice than it sounds.
We're often moving through our days on autopilot. We eat while we're working, grab a snack because it's sitting on the counter, skip a workout because we're tired, or order takeout because we're overwhelmed. Then later, we look at what happened and wonder why we keep doing the same things.
Our first instinct is often to judge ourselves. We ask, "Why do I always do this?" or "What's wrong with me?" or "Why can't I just make better choices?"
After years of working on my own health and coaching other people, I've learned that those aren't particularly helpful questions. A much better place to start is with curiosity.
Your Behavior Is Trying to Tell You Something
One of the concepts that really stood out to me during my Health Mindset Coaching Certification was the idea that people continue behaviors because those behaviors solve a problem.
That doesn't necessarily mean the behavior is good for you or that it's the best solution. It simply means that, in that moment, the behavior is doing something for you.
Maybe eating a snack helps you deal with stress. Maybe scrolling your phone gives you a break when you're mentally exhausted. Maybe skipping your workout gives you some much needed downtime. Maybe ordering takeout means you don't have to make one more decision at the end of a long day.
When we look at behavior this way, it becomes much easier to get curious about what's actually happening. Instead of asking, "Why can't I control myself?" you can ask, "What am I getting from this behavior?"
That question can lead you somewhere useful because it gives you something to work with.
Look at What Happened Before the Behavior
If there's a behavior you'd like to change, don't just focus on the behavior itself. Look at what happened before it.
Let's say you find yourself eating a bunch of snacks at night even though you weren't planning to. You could simply decide, "I need more self control," and try to white knuckle your way through the next evening. Or you could get curious about what led you there.
What did you eat for dinner? Were you actually hungry? How was your day? Were you stressed or tired? Had you been restricting yourself all day? Were you sitting in front of the television? Was the food easily accessible? Or did you simply want something that tasted good?
There may be several things contributing to the behavior, and that's important information. If you're genuinely hungry because you didn't eat enough during the day, the solution isn't necessarily more discipline at night. If you're using food to decompress after a stressful day, telling yourself to "stop snacking" doesn't address the reason you're reaching for the food in the first place. And if the cookies are sitting on the counter where you see them every time you walk through the kitchen, your environment is playing a role, too.
Once you understand what's happening, you have more options for what to do about it.
Awareness Isn't About Judging Yourself
This is where I think awareness can sometimes get misunderstood. The goal isn't to become hyperaware of every bite of food you eat or every time you skip a workout so you can criticize yourself for it. It's actually the opposite.
Awareness gives you the opportunity to observe what's happening without immediately judging it.
Maybe you notice that you tend to eat more when you're stressed. That's not a reason to beat yourself up. It's information that might help you figure out what you need to do differently.
Maybe you notice that you're much more likely to exercise when your workout is scheduled in the morning. That's information, too. Or maybe you realize that you're constantly trying to eat "perfectly" during the week and then feeling out of control on the weekend. That's a pattern worth exploring.
You can't change what you don't notice, but noticing something doesn't mean you have to immediately fix it. Sometimes the first step is simply recognizing the pattern.
Pay Attention to What's Already Working
Awareness isn't just about identifying problems. It's also about noticing your bright spots—the things you're already doing well.
What is already working for you? Maybe you consistently eat a good breakfast because you have a routine. Maybe you drink plenty of water at work because you keep a bottle on your desk. Maybe you rarely miss your Saturday workout because you enjoy exercising with a friend.
Instead of always asking, "What's wrong with my habits?" ask yourself, "What am I already doing well, and how can I do more of that?"
I think we overlook this when we're focused on changing our health. We tend to spend so much of our attention on the things we're not doing that we forget to recognize the things we are already doing successfully.
Those successes can actually give you clues about what works for you. If something is already a consistent habit, look at what makes it easier. You may be able to use some of those same strategies to build another habit.
A Setback Is Information
This may be one of the biggest mindset shifts I've experienced over the years.
A setback doesn't have to be evidence that you're incapable of reaching your goal. It can simply be information about what isn't working.
If you planned to work out after work but consistently find yourself too exhausted to do it, maybe that isn't the best time for you to exercise. If you repeatedly struggle to prepare dinner after a long workday, maybe your plan requires more time and effort than you realistically have available. If you can't stick to a restrictive eating plan for more than a few weeks, maybe the problem isn't your discipline. Maybe the plan isn't sustainable.
None of those situations mean you've failed. They give you an opportunity to make an adjustment.
That's something I think is easy to forget when you're focused on reaching a goal. We can become so attached to the plan that when the plan doesn't work, we assume we are the problem. But sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is change the plan.
Instead of asking, "Why can't I get my act together?" try asking, "What is this experience teaching me?"
That's a much more productive question.
Give Yourself a Pause
One of the simplest ways to increase awareness is to create a little space between the urge and the behavior.
You don't necessarily have to tell yourself no. Just pause for a moment and ask yourself what's actually going on.
If you want the cookie, ask yourself, "Am I actually hungry, or do I want this for another reason?" If you're about to skip your workout, ask, "Do I genuinely need rest today, or am I avoiding something that feels difficult?" If you're about to order takeout, ask, "What do I need right now?"
Sometimes the answer will still be, "I want the cookie." And that's okay.
Awareness doesn't mean every decision has to result in the "healthiest" choice. The goal is to give yourself the opportunity to make the choice consciously rather than automatically.
That's a very different approach from trying to control every behavior perfectly.
Try This This Week
For the next week, choose one behavior you'd like to understand better. Don't worry about changing it right away. Just pay attention to what happens around it.
When the behavior occurs, ask yourself what happened beforehand. What were you feeling? What were you thinking? Were you hungry, tired, stressed, bored, or overwhelmed? What was happening in your environment? What did the behavior give you in that moment, and how did you feel afterward?
You don't need to judge your answers or come up with the perfect solution. You're simply collecting information.
Once you understand the pattern a little better, you can start deciding what you might want to change.
Final Thoughts
When I first started working on my own health, I thought success meant making the "right" choice as often as possible. I thought the goal was to figure out what I should do and then have enough discipline to do it consistently.
After years of living this myself and coaching other people, I see it differently.
Health isn't about making perfect choices. It's about understanding yourself well enough to make choices that support the life you want, and being willing to adjust when something isn't working.
That's why I don't want you to look at a setback and immediately think, "I failed." Instead, try asking, "What can I learn from this?"
Maybe the answer is that you need more sleep. Maybe you need to plan ahead. Maybe your goal is too ambitious right now. Maybe you're using a behavior to meet a need that isn't being met somewhere else. Or maybe you simply made a choice that you wouldn't make again.
All of those answers are okay.
The more curious you become about your own behavior, the more information you have to work with. And the more information you have, the more capable you are of making changes that actually fit your life.
You don't need to be perfect to make progress. You need to pay attention, learn from what happens, and keep moving forward.
That, to me, is what a good, healthy mindset really looks like.
Catch up on the rest of the posts in this series:
You Don’t Need More Willpower You Need a Better System
The Way You Talk to Yourself is Affecting Your Results
Why Motivation isn’t the Problem
